So much for blogging daily. It hasn't happened and luckily (or unluckily) it hasn't been enforced at all.
I get so confused. Sometimes I am told that DD is an important, integral part of our marriage. Sometimes I am told that it doesn't matter, that we don't need it, and that I am "over thinking things". It is extremely frustrating.
A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands.
She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.
She gets up while it is still night;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her family
and portions for her women servants.
She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.
She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.
In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in
scarlet.
She makes coverings for her bed; she is
clothed in fine linen and purple.
Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes.
She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her.
"Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all."
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
Honor her for all that her hands have done, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.
Proverbs 31:10-31
TNIV
Things have literally been crazy. School is starting in two weeks, getting kids registered, school clothes bought, supplies, and getting the house organized has been insane.
I completely cleaned out and organized the kids' rooms today. It took most of the day.
Three insane children + no vehicle + too hot to walk around = restlessness and clean baseboards.
I hope our final decision to keep them away from their egg donor holds up and there isn't a huge issue. Dad told her no and she hasn't responded. Taking that as a good sign. Still planning to nail her for the $4000 child support arrears. Hope she goes to jail and stays there. The less she interferes the better off our family is.
Kids are begging to go to mamaw and papaw's tonight. Planning on going to church with them Sunday. Mom and dad want the munchkin to stay the night tonight or tomorrow.
I'm done. I give up. It's not going to happen.
I have said, "I would like to discuss something important when you have time."
I have written a letter.
I have written an email.
I have done everything I can think of.
I am immediately shut down with rude comments, hasty remarks, attitude, and annoyance.
Fine. You win. We can have the "traditional", "mediocre", never ending argument, cold shoulder, silent treatment marriage. I don't care any more. I will start making preparations for the inevitable divorce that is headed right toward us.
After our divorce is final, I WILL NEVER MARRY AGAIN!!! I am not going to play this game a third time because I already know the outcome. It is the same every single time: I LOSE.
Congratulations! You wore me down. You win.
Wondering how to get the ball rolling again to where we can at least have open discussions about DD again. Not sure how to start.
I have already expressed my desire for a full time DD marriage. I have even started being submissive on my own and go out of my way to lean on my husband.
Apparently I need to do something differently. I do not know what should be different though. I do not want to "beat a dead horse" but I don't want to sit idly by either.
The rest of this blog is going to include my daily personal walk with my marriage/relationship involving domestic discipline.
Unfortunately, DD has not been a part of our marriage as of late. I feel frustrated, pushed aside, worthless, and uncared for.
Several of my online DD friends are currently praying that my HOH comes back. I need him desperately. Things were going SO WELL when we were actively making DD a part of our relationship. I do not understand why it is no longer something we do now.
I have decided that biting my tongue off, and continuing to bottle everything up are my only two options at this point. As I look back, I see literally about 150 instances in just this past year that would have certainly warranted discipline and correction. Maybe he just completely gives up on me and does not want to tell me. Maybe I am not worth it at all. Maybe I just need to close down this blog and fall off the map. Kind of like, it is never gonna happen, so why should I keep beating my head against the wall expecting a different result? Especially when I know the result will not change.
I guess the good part of keeping a blog is that no one HAS to read it, so I can vent and post all I want, and no one will have to read it or respond. They can just navigate to another page. The beauty of the internet. Gotta love it.
I want my HOH and husband back. I want the closeness, security, forgiveness, and 'what do they have that we don't' question in everyone's eyes. I want to know that issues are discussed, dealt with, then forgiven. I have explained this to my husband verbally until I am just blue in the face. I have written letters, emails, sent texts, and dropped hints. I do not know what else to do or say to get it through. I am NOT going to stoop to the level of "bratting" or "acting out" to force my husband's hand and "bait" him to get what I want and need. I feel that this is highly counterproductive. I have been advised to start acting as if he is my HOH, whether he is or not. I believe this is good advice and plan to do this starting today. If anyone out there in blog land has any other ideas or suggestions I would love to hear them.
