Punishment for Misbehavior

Now that I have covered the "pre-implementation" discussions, let's delve into various ways to implement the agreed upon standards of your household and what to do do if the agreed upon standards are not being met.

In the domestic discipline community, there are a few basic, essential elements to correcting unwanted behaviors, preventing some behaviors, and maintaining good behaviors. Let's look at each individually.

Correcting unwanted behaviors usually warrants some type of punishment or consequence. In the domestic discipline world, the most common punishment or consequence is spanking. Spanking in adult relationships has been around for hundreds of years and if you do some research, you will find it is not nearly as uncommon as you think. Spanking is the act of striking the bottom or sit-spots of another person, causing brief, temporary pain to prevent or deter dangerous or unwanted behavior.

In order to get this problem under control and prevent the problem in the future, a consequence is implemented. In this scenario, the husband decides that this offense now warrants a spanking. How does he go about accomplishing this? Before ANY type of punishment or discipline is carried out, the husband MUST be calm, collected, and in complete control of his emotions. IT IS NEVER OKAY FOR A HUSBAND TO DISCIPLINE OR PUNISH HIS WIFE WHEN HE IS UPSET OR ANGRY AT ANY TIME, ANYWHERE. If a husband is not calm, it is recommended that he place his wife in a corner or in their bedroom for a few minutes while he calms down and gains complete control of his emotions BEFORE administering any type of punishment, especially spanking. ONLY AFTER THE HUSBAND IS COMPLETELY CALM AND IN CONTROL OF HIS EMOTIONS SHOULD HE PROCEED WITH A PUNISHMENT SPANKING. Once this state of mind has been attained, the husband should tell his wife that she is going to receive a spanking for not keeping up on her household duties and for allowing the laundry to sour. The problem needs to be stated in in such a way that the wife has a CLEAR understanding. It should be explained until the husband is assured that she is 100% clear on why she is going to be punished with a spanking.

For example: "It is your duty per our agreement to keep the laundry caught up. I specifically asked you to complete this task and you failed to complete it. The kids have a soccer game tomorrow morning at 10:00 a.m. and we have to leave the house no later than 9:20 to be there on time. Now, because their uniforms are not clean and ready to go, we will have to stay up late to get them clean, lose sleep, and not be as well rested for tomorrow while running them to the game, and then enduring the all day tournament that the league has lined up. We cannot send them to the game in dirty uniforms. It is important that you do what I ask so that our children can participate in the activities of their choosing. Do you understand why this is important?"

State the problem in simple terms and explain in detail why it is a problem. Your wife may not realize the gravity of her actions or inactions in the moment, so it is vitally important that everything is explained to her in a thorough, calm discussion. Now that she understands (notice I said "understands", not "agrees with") the problem, she will be more likely to accept whatever consequences that you have decided to implement.  Be sure that she does, indeed, understand why it is a problem and why she is to be punished. NEVER PUNISH BEFORE YOU EXPLAIN THE REASONING OF THE PUNISHMENT. Just like "shoot first, ask questions later", it is never a good idea to punish your wife and THEN explain why. If you are explaining and lecturing her correctly, usually she will agree with you that her actions do warrant punishment. Have her explain back to you in her own words why she is to receive the decided upon punishment so that you are certain that she understands why she is being punished. You may want or need to allow her some time in the corner or bedroom to collect herself before receiving her spanking. This is of course at your discretion.

After the lecture/discussion is finished, it is now time to implement the discussed punishment. Before you ever have to punish your wife, you should discuss the position she is to be in, clothed or bare bottom, and any other details that would slow down the process:

"Okay honey, you know the laundry is to be completed per our agreement and you did not hold up your end of the agreement, which is punishable by a spanking. I am going to spank you now and need you to remove your jeans and underwear and get over my lap."

Your wife is NOT going to be happy about her impending spanking, but she should be cooperative up to a point if you have done your discussing and lecturing correctly. Be sure to praise and encourage her for cooperation, no matter how small, especially in the beginning.

"Thank you for cooperating. I know this isn't fun for either of us, but we agreed this needs to be done. The sooner we get this over with, the faster we can move on with our day."

At this point she should be in the decided upon spanking position. If she is not ready to cooperate and get into position, it is recommended that she be remanded to the corner until she is ready to cooperate. If she is indicating that she is not ready to be cooperative, the husband could say something like:

"I see that you are not ready to receive your spanking like a mature adult. You can stand in the corner until you decide to be mature and accept your spanking without arguing or stalling."

This extra time should not be taken advantage of by the wife under ANY circumstances. There are some legitimate times where the wife will need a few extra minutes to compose herself before receiving her spanking, but it should not occur too often. If the extra time is being used to take advantage of the husband, this offense should be punished separately.

After she is in spanking position, (over the knees, over the bed, leaning on a chair, standing up, etc.) The husband should begin the punishment by doing a warm up spanking. This is to wake up the nerves of her bottom and prevent any bruising. The safest way to spank is bare bottomed so that the husband can monitor the spanking to be sure that it is not too severe. Now that she is warmed up, the punishment spanking can commence. A general rule of thumb is to use the minimum amount of force necessary to get your point across, only pushing past the line on occasion to be sure the lesson is learned. Once the warm up is done, the main event should be several moderate to severe swats to the wife's bare bottom to correct unwanted behavior by means of painful administration. Remember this is a punishment, not play time. Your wife will cry and it is a necessary part of the process.

Crying is a healthy way to relieve stress, guilt, and bad behavior. Kicking and moving around should be kept at a minimum, but recognize that the body's natural response to pain is to 'get away from whatever is inflicting the pain', so SOME movement is to be expected, especially in the beginning. If this happens, simply move her gently back into position and pick up where you left off. If it continues too much and is a clear sign of interfering with the disciplinary process in an effort to get you to stop, then you have another issue to deal with all together. If she had agreed to this lifestyle, then this should not occur. A common problem that some people have is the wife reaching back to cover her rear while the spanking is in progress. This us a problem for two reasons: first, it is a clear defiance of the husband and punishment itself, and second, if her hand is in the way, there is the chance for injury if she is in the way mid-swat with an implement like a paddle, her hand could be broken or at the very least , painfully bruised. Remind her before the punishment session begins of the importance of keeping her hands clear of her bottom.

"Honey, I know this is painful and difficult for you but I am going to need you to keep your hands away from your bottom during your spanking. I do not want to cause you unintentional injury because I wasn't able to stop mid-swing in time. I could bruise or even break your hand so it is very important that you keep your hands away from your bottom and keep as still ad possible. Do you understand?"

Some people find it easier to give the wife a pillow or something to hold on to that will keep her hands occupied during her spanking. Get a clear, verbal response from the wife that she understands that she is to keep her hands away from her bottom.

Once all of these issues have been addressed and the spanking is ready to commence, there should be no other discussion or debating. The husband needs to make up his mind and stick to his decision. The husband should also be careful not to threaten or promise a spanking and then not follow through. Not following through does a few things:

1. It shows your wife that you are not serious and that she can get away with it again.

2. It shows your wife that you truly do not care about her enough to correct her when necessary.

3. It weakens your authority and allows your wife to believe that anything is negotiable and that she can "get out of it" with some careful, calculated moves to distract you.

4. It causes the wife confusion because now she won't know what behavior warrants a spanking and she will not take you seriously the next time you inform her that she is "going to get it" when the two of you reach the privacy of your own home.

Also, it is not good to have the wife experience the "pins and needles" effect of expectation, plus nervousness, and all the other emotions that come with an impending spanking, then not deliver on your word. It leaves her thinking, "Why did he not follow through? Am I not important enough to follow through? Does he give up on me completely? Am I not worth the time or effort? Was he just threatening me? Does he enjoy watching me stress out, sit on pins and needles, and toying with me, maybe that's part of the punishment or all of the punishment?" Guys, you do not want your wives to be thinking and feeling these things. They are truly awful things to have to feel and process. IF YOU HAVE NO INTENTION OF FOLLOWING THROUGH, DO NOT THREATEN OR PROMISE PUNISHMENT.

Do Not Take Advantage

Never take advantage of your position as head of household (HOH). Just because your wife becomes lovingly submissive does not give you the right to take advantage of your position of power. If you think this is how the relationship is going to be, you have missed the boat. Go home! You are not ready for the honor of being in the position of "man of the house" or "head of household". Keep in mind that this woman is your wife. The one you promised to LOVE, RESPECT, CHERISH, and ADORE above all others before God himself and other witnesses. As the man, you are called to an EVEN HIGHER position in the relationship that goes beyond your wife being respectful to you. It is your responsibility to set the example and standard in your home and to love your wife as a husband should. Your wife should never FEAR you. Those who hope to gain respect through fear will lose all respect and become fearful.

Ok, we have decided to give this a try and think it may be beneficial to our marriage and personal lives. Now what?

Assuming the conversations that took place were open, honest, genuine, and consensual, and both parties have agreed to try this, it's time to put it all into practice. So where do you start?

Really, you can start at any point that you feel is right for your relationship and every couple begins differently, but here is how we began our journey, so to speak. We sat down and talked about the relationship dynamic that we wanted to achieve for the long term and how we could meet those goals. We both recognized that some things needed to change in order to attain those goals, so we made the things that needed changing our RULES. Rules are a very integral, important aspect of having a domestic discipline lifestyle and marriage. Essentially everything revolves around the following and/or breaking of these rules. All of the rules should be agreed upon by both parties before implementing any form of consequences. Usually, rules firm out of habits that the submissive tends to steer toward that are either dangerous, dishonest, or disobedient. These three elements are crucial to avoid in ANY relationship, not just a marriage that incorporates DD. Because every couple who practices DD is different, every couple will have similar, yet amazingly different sets of rules and structures that are expected to be followed.

While coming up with some rules to follow, decide what is important to you and your significant other. Is a lack of house cleaning causing stress and undue arguments in your relationship? Make a list of household chores that are to be done daily, weekly, biweekly, and even monthly. Listing everything out and scheduling these duties makes the Rask less daunting when it is broken up into smaller, more manageable tasks. Instead of "clean the house", try "vacuum and dust on Tuesday's and Friday's; do the dishes daily, sweep and mop the floor on Monday's and Thursday's; do the laundry on Wednesday's and Saturday's", etc. It is not necessary nor recommended to have a daunting list of 50 rules to follow. It gets way too complicated and overwhelming to try to remember such a long list. Make a blanket rule like "be respectful at all times". This covers things like using appropriate language, not rolling the eyes, maintaining a good attitude while having a discussion, etc. Therefore, if anything that falls under the rule heading of "be respectful at all times" can be expected to be punished without question. Be sure the list of rules are things that are important to both of you. Husbands are required to follow the rules too. As the head of your household, men need to follow the rules even more so than their wives. You are her leader. You need to teach her how she is to behave. Lead by example, not by a bunch of words that you can't and won't back up with actions. Men are held to an even higher standard than their wolves, whom they are guiding. Once in a while, it IS OKAY to say, "Because I said so," and be done with the discussion, but do not hold your wife to certain standards that you yourself refuse to adhere to just because you are "the MSN". You are not an unemotional tyrant. You are her loving husband who is trying to do his best to live, protect, and guide your wife through life.

Superficial Submission vs. Pure of Heart Submission

How is submission viewed? One view is that the wife is required to submit to the husband's authority under all circumstances, without question. Another view is that the wife chooses behaviors (and is not "required" to obey), and the husband chooses the consequences. Essentially, it's cause and effect. Normally in these relationships, the wife has given her full permission, verbal, and even sometimes written consent over to her husband. Trust is a huge factor for both parties concerned. Many couples even use contracts that both parties write up together and agree upon before signing.

An often quoted passage of scripture states very plainly, "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband us the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands." (Ephesians 5:22-24 ESV)

I do not in any way believe that the Bible uses the term "submit" in the ESV to mean that the wife is slave to, beneath, or less than her husband. In the verse before this, it states, "Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife lives himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body." (Ephesians 5:25-30, ESV)

Husbands, YOU are responsible, in part, for your wife's salvation. No pressure right?

No, I am not advocating that domestic discipline marriages are biblical and that God has ordained men to "beat their wives", but God's Word does very clearly state how family is supposed to be structured and how the husband and wife are to relate to one another. In the book of Genesis, God created man before he created man before he created woman. He took part of Adam's rib to construct his "help mate" and "wife", Eve. Ladies, we would not be here if it weren't for men.

Now, there are different types of "submission" in my mind. Superficial and Pure of Heart, and they are drastically different. To me, superficial submission is essentially saying, "Yeah, OK. I will submit to what you want and do it your way (until you make me angry, at which point I will take over and make your life a living hell, cry that you are abusing me and controlling me, then take all the control back, because you clearly can't handle it and do not deserve that much respect from me)." Then, there is Pure of Heart submission that says, "I trust you. I know you want only what is best for me and our family. I want to take your rightful place of leadership in our home and guide me and our family, even if sometimes it is with a firm hand."

Also, if you and your spouse are already happy with your marriage as it is and see no reason to change things, then I am happy for you and wish you the best. This is by NO MEANS for everyone. This is simply my experience and opinion and you can take it or leave it. I do not care in the least and I am NOT trying to change anyone's mind about the current status of their marriages or dating relationships. I am simply offering a different point of view for consideration of anyone who would like to take the time to inquire about it and keep an open mind.

Now, this is not to say that submission in a relationship should be blind. On the contrary, one should enter this type of dynamic with their eyes wide open, which is why on several different websites and blogs it is HIGHLY recommended that LOTS of open, honest discussion and communication should take place before EVER trying to implement some of the principles and practices of this lifestyle. Both parties should have a clear view and firm grasp of what they are actually getting themselves into and agreeing to before implementing ANYTHING. It is also NOT recommended to make this part of your life if there HSS ever been a history of ANY type of abuse, neglect, or other mistreatment to one or both parties involved. This lifestyle choice is NOT an excuse to berate and beat your spouse or significant other.

What is Domestic Discipline?

What is a Domestic Discipline (DD) marriage?

In my own, personal definition, Domestic Discipline is the practice of two consensual adults in a mature, loving, devoted relationship that allows defined roles, expectations, rules, boundaries, and consequences for actions and a code for behavior that provides structure and strength within that relationship.

Many would view this type of marriage as abusive, controlling, BDSM, "kinky", and many other negative connotations. In fact, domestic discipline marriages and relationships have been around for hundreds, if not thousands of years.

An argument I find interesting is that if a wife is irresponsible and over spends the family budget and her husband decided to take her credit or debit cards away to curb her spending for a time that he decided is necessary for her to "learn her lesson", is this not the same thing as having a domestic discipline relationship? The wife chose to overspend the family budget (chosen behavior) and the husband took away her ability to spend the family money for a time that he deems necessary to ensure that she curbs her spending habits in the future (chosen consequence for the chosen behavior). I would wager to say that well over 80% of relationships in the United States alone practice some form of domestic discipline in their marriages. Husbands, if your wife was consistently disregarding the posted speed limits and bringing home hundreds of dollars worth of tickets, would you not at some point, take the keys to her car for a time and be sure she was not allowed to drive anywhere until she could prove to you that she could drive responsibly and not cost you a ton of money in tickets and rising insurance rates? It is the SAME THING as implementing consequences in a domestic discipline marriage.

Most people focus solely on the "kink" of spanking in these relationships, but there is so much more to it and it goes so much deeper than that. It's about trust for both parties involved. It's about eliminating power struggles that are very unhealthy in a marriage or other serious relationship. It's about having a means to deal with problems and issues that inevitably will arise so that shame, built, resentment, and power-struggles do not ensue, which will eventually weaken the bonds within that relationship or marriage. In domestic discipline relationships that I have encountered, there is actually zero "kink" involved. It is 100%, straight up, disciplinary measures taken to ensure the safety and well-being of everyone involved.

Domestic Discipline Contract

INTRO

This contract contains rules, parameters, and consequences for a safe, healthy, constructive, domestic discipline marriage between husband (hereafter referred to as HOH) and wife (hereafter referred to as TIH).

HOH is the final authority on all matters of the household. TIH agrees to support HOH by being respectful, submissive, and feminine.

RULES

Rules are put in place to ensure a happy, healthy, harmonious home. This is to remain the number one priority of both parties concerned. Anything done or said that disturbs this harmony is subject to punishment and consequences from HOH. This list may be amended at any time after amendment is agreed upon by both the HOH and TIH.

The following list contains all agreed upon rules:

1. Never go to bed angry.
2. Do not push limits, test, or in any way "poke the bear".
3. Be honest 100% of the time.
4. Be polite at all times.
5. Be mindful of the household budget.
6. Keep in touch.
7. Be respectful at all times.
8. Maintain good hygiene and dress to impress.
9. House must be kept clean and orderly.
10. Never interfere with, negotiate, or obstruct the disciplinary process in any way once the final decision has been made.
11. Blog and journal are to be updated daily without exception.

PARAMETERS

Any discipline carried out must be within the boundaries of correction, prevention, or maintenance. TIH has the right to feel safe and free from petty punishments. HOH has the right to administer fair, consistent punishments and maintenance as he sees fit. HOH will not misuse his authority in any way, at any time, or this contract will be immediately null and void.

PUNISHMENTS

Punishments are used to correct behavior that is not acceptable. Severity of any punishment will depend on the offense, reason for committing the offense, how often the offense is committed, and attitude. A verbal or nonverbal warning may or may not be used at the discretion of the HOH.

The following list contains all agreed upon punishment methods:

1. Spanking-Spanking will be the most commonly used form of punishment. Spanking will consist of ten or more swats to TIH's bare bottom  with the HOH's  bare hand for warm up. After the warm up, the punishment spanking will commence in the form of ten or more swats to the TIH's bare bottom with the paddle, in addition to the original spanking punishment determined by the HOH. TIH is not to touch or rub bottom under any circumstances.

2. Time Out-Time Out will consist of thirty or more minutes of standing in the designated time out corner. Hands must be at TIH's sides. TIH must face the corner with nose in close proximity to the corner. TIH is to remain silent while in the time out corner, reflecting on behavior, choices, and prevention of such actions in the future. Duration to be spent in the time out corner by TIH is to be solely determined by the HOH without exception. Resisting a time out will result in a spanking, in addition to the original time out punishment determined by the HOH.

3. Sentence Writing-Sentence writing will consist of hand-writing a set number of sentences to be determined by the HOH. Lines must be neatly written. HOH will assign a reasonable due date for assignment to be completed. Sloppy writing and/or not completing the assignment by due date will result in a spanking. Resisting sentence writing will result in a spanking.

4. Grounding-Grounding will consist of the loss of all privileges for a certain amount of time to be determined by HOH. During this time no entertainment is to be used at any time, for any reason. This includes, but is not limited to: TV, radio, being outside, and seeing friends. During this time, a combination of spanking, time out, and sentence writing may be used at discretion of HOH. Resisting grounding will result in a spanking, in addition to the original grounding punishment determined by the HOH.

5. Bedroom Time-Bedroom time will consist of sitting on the bed in the master bedroom for a certain amount of time to be determined by HOH. TIH must sit on the bed, facing the wall during this time. No distractions will be allowed in the bedroom during this time. All books, pictures, phones, computers, and any other form of entertainment will be removed from the bedroom before this punishment commences. TIH is to remain silent while in the bedroom, reflecting on behavior, choices, and prevention of such actions in the future. Duration to be spent in the bedroom by TIH is to be solely determined by HOH without exception. Resisting bedroom time will result in a spanking in addition to the original bedroom time punishment determined by the HOH.

MAINTENANCE

Maintenance spankings are used to ensure continuation of appropriate behavior and to keep TIH stress-free and respectful. Maintenance spankings will consist of ten or more swats to TIH's bare bottom with the HOH's bare hand for the warm up. After the warm up the maintenance spanking will commence in the form of ten or more swats to the TIH's bare bottom with the paddle. Total number of spankings for warm up and maintenance are at the sole discretion of the HOH. This will be done once a week, after a calm discussion of how to stay on track followed by a comforting period with affirming words from the HOH.

RESPONSIBILITIES

It is the HOH's responsibility to enforce all rules and the terms of this contract in a consistent, non arbitrary, fair manner. The HOH is responsible for administering discipline and punishments as set forth in this contract fairly, consistently, and in a timely manner. The HOH must be completely calm before administering any form of punishment to the TIH.

It is the TIH's responsibility to abide by all rules, terms, and conditions of this contract at all times, without exception, and to the best of her ability. TIH is responsible for maturely accepting any discipline deemed necessary by HOH in a calm, contrite, and composed manner. TIH may request additional bedroom time or time out to compose herself before punishment or discipline is carried out by the HOH. Previous statement becomes void if HOH determines that TIH is in any way taking advantage of additional time. Additional time is not to exceed five minutes under any circumstances.

This is the Domestic Discipline Contract between HOH and TIH. All parts of this contract are binding as long as both parties agree to all of the terms set out above. This contract expires and can be renewed one year after signing and agreeing to its conditions by both parties. By signing this document, parties agree to hold one another accountable and to in no way take advantage or legal action on the basis of fraud, abuse, or any other legal issue.

( Wife and husband sign and date document)